Thursday, 12 November 2015

Divorce and the Sacred Union of Marriage!


I feel that marriage is a Sacred Union.  I did not believe in divorce, I never thought I would get divorced. But...I also didn't think that this union was going to be disrespected in such a way. 

People say marriage isn't easy...you have to work at it.  Yes...I agree...but you have to want to work at it together...if your partner is not interested, you are wasting your time.

Some people are lucky...they get to enjoy all the joys and pleasures of first marrying...and it is these special moments that can help carry you through when things get tough.  But...what if you didn't even get to enjoy these first moments...what if your marriage never even had the chance to begin?  You never went through honeymoon phase...you never had the chance to bond....there was no love and union....just constant fighting and third party interference?

What is the greatest threat to your marriage?  I will tell you...it is not outsiders...it is in fact those closest to you.  The greatest threat to your marriage is your own family...your parents!  Your parents have the greatest influence in your life.  And...if you don't take control of your marriage and lay down boundaries from the start...you are going to have serious problems.  If your partner undermines you and constantly gives a parent power in your marriage...it is doomed...I can promise you! 

My mother in law had full control in my marriage...she did what she wanted and could get away with absolutely anything. Why?  Because she was held higher and respected and loved over and above me...I did not come first and did not have rights in my marriage.  It was family indoctrination and control.  I have a good friend who is going through the very same thing right now....his wife is constantly undermining him with her father and giving the father power in her marriage, sadly.


Commitment:

The union of marriage is between you and your husband/wife.  You need to protect that and make a commitment that you will not allow anyone to threaten it. Your husband/wife should come first...not your mother or father.  If you find yourself being more committed to your parent than your spouse you need to learn to grow up...and fast! When you leave your parents home, you create your own home and you commit to your spouse.

Boundaries:
Together...you need to create and set boundaries, when these boundaries are crossed, you both need to discuss how you are going to handle the situation and resolve it together.  Do not allow your parents to over step your boundaries.  If you do not make these boundaries clear from the start...they will have no respect for your marriage whatsoever, and will do whatever they please. 

At no point should you report to your parents on your whereabouts, they have no right to keep phoning and questioning you as to what you are doing, where you are and what your daily or weekly plans are.  If they do...tell them to get a life!  You must live by your own rules when you marry...do not continue to live by your parents rules.  

*I can tell you that I used to envy couples who packed up and moved far away, or abroad, to begin their own lives...how wonderful to build your own life together.  I always wished to do the same.  I was prepared to go to all lengths to save my marriage!

Communication:
There needs to be open communication between you and your spouse.  You should not be choosing to confide in things with your mother and father instead of your spouse.  Do not make any decisions with your parents without your spouses knowledge and consent first.  When your spouse is trying to communicate their concerns regarding your relationship, listen, do not silence them.  You need to work things out together.  At no point do you argue and say “I do things my way”.  Is there not a 'We' here?

Respect:
Treat your spouse with respect.  Do not allow your family to be abusive and disrespectful.  If you respect your parents over and above your spouse you are going to begin treating your spouse with the same disrespect that your parents do.  There is nothing worse than being constantly disrespected by your in-laws and having your spouse take their side and leave you standing alone.  What is worse is when your spouse tries to silence you and stop you from speaking up for yourself.  While we should love and respect our parents...I believe that respect should never rise above and beyond the respect of your spouse and 'Sacred Union'!

Privacy & Sharing:
If your spouse is demanding privacy all the time, it is time to move on, there is no union here.  If he/she is not wanting to share anything, even simple little things in the home, know that there is no 'We' here...it is not going to work. There cannot be a 'yours' and 'mine'...not when you are 'One'.

Nurturing your Well-being & Passions:
When you love your partner you will want to support them and help them to realize their passions and dreams.  You will allow them the space to nurture their Soul and care for their health and well-being which will build a stronger union.

Health Relationships:
You will allow your spouse to have friendships and share your home with friends so that you can both enjoy healthy relationships and connections in your life. It is unhealthy to cut yourself off from connecting socially.  We are social beings and need to learn and grow through the experience of interacting with others.

Love:
Telling your partner you love them is not enough...you need to show love.  If you allow the dissatisfaction of your parents to upset you so much that you distance yourself from your partner intimately,  you simply do not truly love your partner.  No one outside of your marriage should upset you enough that you distance your love from your spouse...ever...no one!  Do not deliberately hold back from giving love...do not keep turning your partner away.  You have made a lifetime commitment to your partner...remember who is going to be with you at the end when everyone has passed on.

Bribery & Manipulation:
Do not allow your parents at any point to manipulate you with money and material things to win you over from your spouse.  If dangling carrots works for you...then you need to grow up and sort your priorities fast!

Speak Your Word:
It is very important to speak out against harmful actions and bad behavior.  You have rights and should make it clear to your parents.  We can express ourselves in a positive way without being abusive.  Do not be silenced and allow things to fester and deteriorate beyond repair.  Always speak your word and clear yourself with the other person and make them aware of how you feel.  

*I wrote a 5 page letter to my mother-in-law two days before my divorce in August 2015.  Expressing yourself and clearing yourself this way is important, so that you don't carry baggage, and so that you release all this energy and not end up with disease through carrying anger and resentment.  If you are harboring bad feelings against someone I suggest you write the person a letter, if you can't give it to them, just write it and then burn it to release it.  I can tell you that repressing emotions can cause serious damage to your health – body, Soul and mind!  Speak your mind...Clear it...Let it go!

I experienced some very cruel, deep and harmful actions from my mother-in-law.  I tried to understand that this was due to her past baggage. But...there is a fine line between love and attachment – it is emotional incest.  I worked incredibly hard to protect my marriage for thirteen years...from day 1...and failed consistently...because I was working at it alone.  I spent a lot of time and money trying to fix it...I didn't want to give up.  In the end...I lost respect...and I knew it was time to move on when it began to affect my values and morals.

 In the first three years I drank myself to sleep.  In the next two years I was on anti-depressants.  And then...thankfully...a deeper part of me knew that "There had to be more to life than this"!  I began taking meditation classes from 2007...and that began to transform me body, Soul and mind, and give me the strength that I needed. I began to awaken...started taking better care of myself and following natural health and alternative therapies.

A friend gave me an affirmation that I would repeat often to help me get through over the years:

"I Feel I Am All Powerful...I Feel I Am All Worthy...

I Feel I Am All Loving....I Feel I Am All Deserving"


I have no regrets about my failed marriage.  It took me to my deepest darkest places, and it Awakened me, and gave me tremendous growth and great strength. In the process of my shifting and spiritual growth, it would have been wonderful if the relationship shifted to an inclusive, loving, respectful and committed one...but it did not.  My spiritual growth helped me to outgrow many fears.  It also taught me to learn to let go.  

Marriage will not work without commitment...it takes two.  It is a Sacred Union...and should be respected as such. 


Sometimes divorce is necessary!











#divorce #marriage #boundaries #relationships

5 comments:

Sue Clarke said...

Thank you for an insightful blog.

Jessica Figueira said...

It is a pleasure Sue. Was quite a sensitive post to write...but a very important one.

Jessica Figueira said...

Thank you

Unknown said...

Excellent, on point, and truth. The most challenging institutions of all. Where Loyalty, honesty, dedication, and character are tested like no other. The rewards also exceeds all the rest, and the only you can take to the grave. (Advise Ladies) If the Man doesn't Open Your Door, Kick-Him-To-The-Curb.

Unknown said...

Above posted by George Seipel

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