Monday, 3 August 2015

Mother & Son Entanglement

I am writing about a very sensitive topic today...but it is necessary and important to bring awareness to the dangers of this matter.  I have witnessed the damage first hand with people very close to me.  Often people are not aware of how destructive their actions can be, until it is too late and the damage is already done! 

First...let's look at the difference between 'Love' and 'Attachment'....

Is it Love or Attachment?

Attachment is a need for someone to fill a void in your life or in your self-esteem.  It's the need for someone to provide a sense of stability, certainty and safety.  It's the dependence on someone to always be there to fulfill your emotional needs, and this comes with the fear of losing them...and so one clings to them in an unhealthy way.  Attachment leads to the desire to control and own. It imprisons and takes away the  freedom of others. We cannot own another being. 

Love is feelings of closeness, genuine appreciation, and concern. Love is a state of being that exists independently of others. Others can inspire us to love and act as mirrors to allow us to see the love within ourselves. Others don't make us feel love...but allow the love to flow through us in their presence as they inspire and open up to us.  Love is allowed to flow through trust, appreciation and connection.  Just as others cannot make you love...others cannot take love from you either.  Love is not delusional, needy, or based on emotional game playing. Love is not demanding or desperate, and does not depend on something or someone outside of itself to exist. Love is giving and freeing.  Love does not wish to control....and does not wish to manipulate. Love does not seek security outside of itself...Love is secure in itself.  

Crossing Boundaries  

A Mother's love is wonderful in that it can help their sons become more connected with their feelings and emotions, and thus be more emotionally intelligent in the way that they relate to the world and their relationships.  A Mother's attachment, however, can be very destructive! 

The Single Mother
The problem, may arise when a single mother unconsciously clings to her son, as she has not had the security and love of a husband.  The son may become her source of safety and security, and she may lean on him in a very demanding way. This creates a co-dependency.  The mother may cross boundaries of privacy as the son matures, causing discomfort.  The son may develop a fear and guilt of leaving her and feel obligated to stay and protect. 

The Loveless Marriage 
Another situation can arise when a mother is in an unhappy marriage, and her emotional needs are not being met by her husband.  The mother may then unconsciously depend on the son to fulfill this, and she will become very emotionally attached to him.  Sons may feel suffocated by this behavior and this results in them pulling away from their wife/partner, because they associate the need for emotional fulfillment as a sort of  neediness and suffocation, since they have experienced this with mom.  Mothers sometimes take on Supermom status making these sons feel like they are the best thing in the world.  Often these men will not mature and will remain like boys.  Boundaries are not set with the mother when these men start relationships or get married, and the wife will find herself swept aside as priority is given to mom.  Instead of mom taking in and accepting the partner as an addition to the family circle, mom will feel threatened, and find ways to manipulate the son for her own security as she fears that this woman is stealing her son. This results in emotional clinging on mom's part that can be called 'emotional incest'.  The pressure and fear, on the son's part, to please mom, is so great that he may become very defensive about his mom with his partner.  This causes a breakdown in relationships.

Creating Boundaries and Healthy Relationships 

Relationships will never last in this situation unless the son lays down boundaries and breaks the unhealthy attachment and emotional dependency of mother.   While we should still enjoy a healthy relationship with mother, and support at times, it is important to understand that the relationship with one's partner or wife should always take priority.  

When we leave our parents home to begin our own life and bond with a partner, we need to create boundaries and form our own rules.  There needs to be a mutual respect between mother and son or parents, and parents should not demand obedience and authority over the son as he has his own life to live now.

Look at your relationships with your children closely and is not always easy to see that we are making these mistakes.  It is important to become aware and make the necessary changes to respect all and avoid hurt and damage.  Of needs to remember that the same problem can also arise between fathers and daughters too.  Remember...we cannot own anyone...even children...they are a gift and should be loved and respected accordingly.

Love is not selfish or needy...Love wishes for the other to be happy.

Love and Light

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